random thoughts

I guess it’s been a while since I wrote anything.

Yesterday was rough, and so was today. But I’m still here, right? That’s gotta count for something.

So here I am over six hours after I started this damn thing on what seems like post number 123,645. I’ve been trying to do some video break-down of a high school hockey game (that I should have had done weeks ago) since about 3:00pm but still haven’t even gotten through the first period of.

I’m in a pretty good space right now. Even thought it’s getting near to bed time (since my alarm is going to go off at 3:20am), I’m probably not going to get to sleep for another few hours.

I guess getting through mental health issues/ flare-ups is just like a hockey game. Even when you find yourself down by a goal or two, even when you think all hope is lost, there’s always time to regroup. There’s always time to push through and just get that one goal that’ll give your team life again. There’s time to just get that one hit or that one blocked shot that sparks the comeback. That spark is all you need.

So far it seems like this blog has been that spark for me.

I know there’s still going to be a LOT of ups and downs but right now I feel pretty good. My son is still kinda sick but he’s acting more like himself. I’m about to go put a pizza in the oven, open a bag of chips and crack a red bull with the super bowl on. I guess powering through does work.

I slightly feel like a weight is off my shoulders. It’s nice to kind of get everything off my chest and not in my mind anymore. I was talking to a friend who reminded me that it’s kinda like keeping a journal (which it exactly is) and that isn’t a bad thing. There’s a reason people have been doing it for decades. I’m not even sure why I felt the need to write a full blog post about this but hey it’s my blog so I can do whatever I want.

I know there’s been a lot of negativity so far in my writing, but I promise that’s not everything that’s going through my mind. I love my life. I have a wife who loves me and a son who lights up my life. I may not have my dad (he passed away 15 years ago now), but I have my mom and my step-dad who are both amazing. My life doesn’t suck, but it just feels like it does some times. It’s just…hard sometimes. I guess that’s all I have to say for now. You’ll probably hear from me later tonight, too.

Wow. I never thought I’d be writing one of these every few minutes but here I am. I don’t even know why, but I just want to get all of my thoughts out of my mind and…somewhere so they’re not there anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so hard for so long and part of me just says just keep doing it you’re inching closer, but the other half just says you’ve been here before this time isn’t going to be any different. I’m just another in a long line of people who think they have what it takes to make it in the hockey world. I guess I’ll end up just another casualty of dreams that weren’t meant to be.

I just want to stop doing anything involved with hockey right now. Fuck. Why can’t this get better even just for one minute? That means if I give up hockey I have to give up ever working in sports because I don’t know shit about any other sports really. Soccer I couldn’t hold a candle to half of the other people out there, and that’s about the only other game I kinda know. Fuck. I just wish my brain worked properly. I just want a real chance.

I still feel like crap in case you were wondering. I really hope that if you’re reading this you know full well that this is my trying to just get my anxiety and depression and bad thoughts out of my mind so they’re not there anymore. I’m not attacking anyone or any group of people. I’m trying to keep my sanity for, if nothing else, the sake of my son. I just want to be better. I want to be able to go a full day without feeling like I’m a crappy person and don’t deserve to reach my dreams. I want to be able to be content with where I am. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to try and see if writing this stupid little blog can help me get there?

A wave of depression just hit me, and with it came anxiety. I’ve started up my Belfast Giants blog recently and thought I was doing a great job and gaining traction but now I’m not so sure. Yeah, there’s a portion of the fan base on Twitter that read it, but other than that I’m not sure many other people do. I know the team and other “official media” around the club know about it, but no one seems to give a shit. To make matters worse, some of them actually engage with other blogs and give them praise. This is my dream; just writing about one team from the perspective of this is my team. I hate having to be impartial. I hate not being allowed to have an opinion. I honestly right now just want to quit. I want to pack up shop and never write again. If I’m being perfectly honest I wish I just didn’t like sports. Then I wouldn’t have the heartbreak of pouring my everything into trying to crack into the sports industry only to never get my shot. I hate this. It’s absolutely tearing me apart. I know it takes time and I just need to keep at it and all that, but I’ve been doing radio/ online news for over three years now and I’ve been broadcasting/ covering hockey for seven of that. When am I going to get my break? When am I going to get my shot? I just wish something I did would be a hit just once. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like crap when a blog post gets less than 50 reads and maybe I wouldn’t care when I make a whole blog post trying to engage readers and only two people bother to comment. I say this a lot, but I just wish one thing would go right for me professionally.